My Take-Back Year (and a half)

Over the last nine years I have taken significant losses in my life– an unborn child, a marriage, friends, family, dreams, and ideals. And for the last eight years I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern.  I made choices based on a general concept that I was waiting for my life to change, and I couldn’t do too much until it did change.

But starting in July 2016, I finally started to pull myself out of the holding pattern. I began to live my life as it is, not hoping for what it could some day become.

In July 2016 I bought a plane ticket to Ireland. Just one. I planned for months for what I hoped would be an epic take-back of my life. And it was everything I wanted it to be… well, except for puking the entire way from New York to Dublin… Despite the many people who looked at me with pity or skepticism that I was making this trip alone, I absolutely had the time of my life. Four days is a whirlwind trip, but those four days were the most glorious four days I think I’ve ever had.  I had time to reflect on who I had become, who I wanted to be, and how to get there.

This year was void of a major trip due to the purchase of a new car in February; however, I tried to continue my “take-back.” I started taking care of my mental health– trying to build relationships and focus on becoming a generally less broken version of myself. There were a few set backs, times when I felt crushed and that my heart was being trampled on yet again, but the difference was that this time I had a better support system in place and I was able to bounce back.

I also focused more on my writing this year, taking on a project that has been exciting and in many ways discouraging. Though the rejection letters keep pouring in, I try to keep my head up and my focus set. Even if my novels never get picked up by an agent, I know that I love what I do, and for me, that is enough.

So as I continue my quest for rebuilding myself in 2018, I look forward to the ways that life and adventure will open up my world.  In March I head to Italy and Greece with a group from school.  I look forward to seeing new things and finding a little bit more of who I am.  I can now say that I am more excited about moving forward than I am held back by the things that tried to drag me down.

Here is to a great 2018!